Friday, September 28, 2012

Great News!!!

Hey everyone, I just got really good news. I have been cleared to return to work on Monday and I really can’t wait for it.

I had my appt today with my nuro and he is happy with my results of being seizure free since I started the new meds and he feels confident that we found the right medication for me.  He was also very happy to see my weight loss and even noticed that I had color in my face and was very energetic.

So I talked with work and they are beyond ecstatic to hear how I am doing and that I will be back on Monday. I have been missed greatly from what I was told.

These last 6 weeks have been amazing for my health and eating better and feeling better. It’s like the old Jon is coming back to life. I am excited to come back on Monday. I am proud of myself and accomplishments physically and mentally of allowing GOD to guide me into a much betterplace. Spending time in AZ the last few weeks did me wonders to clear my mind and make goals for myself.

I want to truly thank all my friends for their continued support and for those that believed in me. I couldn’t have done it without the support from you all and I can’t wait for “Jon” to be back and live like I am supposed to.

While in Az I fought some demons inside of me and have been able to work on them and let them go. Yes I have Epilepsy, but Epilepsy doesn’t have me.

I look forward to maintaining a healthy life and continue to work on my weight. Today I weighted in a 240!!!! I didn’t believe it. I am so happy with that because my weight has been such a big problem for me and I can’t even remember the last time I weight this much.  My goal is 200 and I will strive to reach that goal.

Epilepsy is such a strong disorder and no matter what I did this year it still got the best of me deep down and became sorry for myself, and now I can happily say that I got this. “For The Win” as a friend told me earlier.

This cloud that has been haunting me deep down has been cleared and as each day goes by I se the sun so much more and feel better.
Take care everyone!!!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Fighter

How am I doing, I am doing well.

Since I have been on my new meds, almost a month now I have been seizure free. :) I have also physically felt a lot better through the last couple of weeks and feel so much energy back in my body. Horah!

I am still in Arizona and will be returning on Tuesday. I see my nuro on Wednesday and should be released back to work for October 1st.

I have been doing a lot of 1 mile to 2 mile walks while I have been out here and have lost some more weight and will be continuing to do that once back in Cali. I have also been doing a lot of self discovery  and learning a lot about myself and setting some goals and putting some healthy priorities straight.

I have gotten a lot of Sun!!! It's 117 degrees right now and just got done laying out again. So thirsty for some water! LOL

So I am well, and doing ok. I am a fighter and becoming a damn good one! 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

New Beginnings

It's amazing of how you can finally admit something so personal and life changing to someone who understands and listens to you. I had such a bad afternoon and negative mind set to only end the evening feeling so much better on things and have a weight off my chest. Tonight was a hard thing to do, but once out I can see hope and a healthier me. It's great to have an amazing friend to come visit me and talk with me and understand my pain and allow me to come clean. God does work in mysterious ways and I can only imagine the doors that will now open in front of me for a healthier future. I have learned so much these last couple of weeks of what I need and now have a starting point. I am thankful for my buddy Pat. I have been taking so many things in my life for granted and can really say that I have a new found respect for what I have in my life. I have a chance to make things better in my life and I am the only one that can make that happen by letting go of past hurts, anger and pain.

I will be the me I know I haven't been in a long time.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

How I am doing Update

So just wanted to share that since I have been on my new meds that I haven't had any seizures or dizziness!!!

The new meds also have taken me out of that medicated funk I was in while on. So I am glad to be off of it as I feel like myself again.

I return to Cali right before the 26th for my doctors appt with my Nuro and since I have been doing good I should be fully released to return to work on Oct 1st.

I have been enjoying my rest and relaxation while here in Az with JT and Marlo and my god kids. But I am look forward to coming back to see my kids and have a whole new perspective on things. I know it will be one day at a time, but I think that's what I will need.

I am dealing with some personal issues right now and I have been given such a reality check that I still have a lot of self exploring to do and support I need as well as getting my own place of some sort and just have to be patient with this whole process.

That's me in a nutshell right now, I hope you all are in good health as well.

Monday, September 10, 2012

"With one salute I found that I am not magnificent"

Feeling so alone and lost right now. Many things are opening to me and I have been given a big reality check in life. So much so that I am losing my family and it hurts so bad right now.

I really have no other words right now to describe my headache and what I have caused to put myself into this situation. It's all my fault.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Opening up myself towards letting go

So tonight was interesting, as I sat down to review my Walk to end Epilepsy site tonight and send out a new email I accidently imported all contacts from gmail so it was sent to over 600 email addresses gmail has stored since I signed up.

On that list was my Uncle Steve, my real father's brother. My father password away 9 years ago this last August and I meet briefly with my uncle to get some belongings of my father. I really never knew Uncle Steve, just that he was there and we had lunch and he did a big part of making the arrangements for my father.

I was young and never thought to ask more questions about my dad since I had briefly spent time with my father for 2 weeks about 4 months prior and he meet his granddaughter for the first time. Kaitlynn was about 3 at the 3 at the time. She was his only grand kid at the time and he was tickled pink by her. I had gone with "Pops" as I called him since we had recently reunited after God knows how many years. So it was like meeting him all over again. I spent 2 weeks with him and going to his home town, him showing me his high school and doing all the things he wanted to do while he was visited since he lived in Texas. One of them being able to see Kaitlynn as much as he could and got this picture of them two.

That August I received the sudden news of his passing and to me it was a shock as to never really dealing with a close family member password away other than my grandfather. So during that time I found out that he passed on from a self inflicted action. My father took his own life. Again, I was in a state of shock, I didn't understand, I didn't want to hear it. I was angry, I was upset that he did that to me, especially after him meeting his granddaughter and him and I becoming close as we stayed in contact after his visit.

For years I never understood why, or felt that it was selfish for him to do so and I carried that with me  for years and years till even tonight.

By my email that was sent out, my Uncle Steve reached out to me and he called me since my cell number was in my signature. I got a call this evening from the Kingman, Arizona area and couldn't imagine who it could be until I answered and heard his voice and instantly recognized it. A voice I haven't heard in 9 years. It was my uncle Steve, and I was shocked. His voice sounded just the same and with a friendly 'Hello Jon, It's your Uncle Steve" we launched into an hour or so phone call.

I caught him up with how I am doing and how many kids I have, what I do for work, told him about being diagnosed with Epilepsy last November and than my uncle stopped me and was shocked to hear that, especially for someone my age. You see, my father had a brain tumor when I was young and had surgery and while the doctors said it went well and my uncle flew out and even brought In & Out filling the Hospital floor with the aroma of Double Doubles my father was beyond excited. I was really young at the time and remember knowing a bit about it, but I found out tonight that the tumor had come back and they went in again to remove it, however they removed to much. After that point my father began having seizures due to the error in the surgery. I thought the tumor had caused his seizures for many many years until tonight.

I never knew the extent of his health conditions, and even noticed while he had visited me that the amount of medications he would take morning, noon and at night was so many. I never thought to ask.  Well I found out tonight it was due to the complications of his surgery and he had continued to have seizures. Once he was driving over and over pass and crashed. He had a seizure while driving. He had several and he never once mentioned them to me. I had always thought after the tumor was out, he never had them again. I now know that in the last years of his life his was suffering from them and once even broke his back in 2 places due to a severe one.

I know my Epilepsy isn't related and him and I's circumstances are different, but I never realized he suffered that much and he damn well kept it to himself. Through my talk with my uncle I felt almost relieved, some sort of closure to his passing. I know it was self inflicted and he was dealing with much more than seizures at that time in his life as well. But tonight I felt an actually connection 9 years later as to maybe understanding a little bit of his mind set before he passed away. A little of what he had to deal with in life as I am now dealing with it now in mine.

Uncle Steve and I talked about allot of other things and it was too me a great talk. How funny that I am out here in Arizona visiting friends and trying to take some soul searching time to figure out my situations in life and to end up connecting with my uncle. I fell that I can let go and just continue to pray that my father Larry is resting peacefully. That Pops is ok and I am ok now as well. Here's a pic of my brother's and I with my father when I was really little. I am on the far left.

My uncle mentioned he was very proud of me knowing that this past almost year how I have been doing my best to look Epilepsy in the face and not hide behind it. I know that at times I do hide and I know that's caused allot of issues at home with Em and I. I shelter myself to not get hurt or to try to hide from it, the pain, the aches, the uncertainty of asking "Why me God? Why me?". He reassured me to not be embarrassed by having Epilepsy, to continue to stare it down in the face. It certainly has made me look back tonight of emotions I have felt this past year between Epilepsy and other things in life and I can honestly say that I have lost my perspective in many aspects of my life. My priority should be me and damn well take care of myself, because if I can't be right, others around me won't be as well. And this brings me to my thoughts of my sweet Emmy, I can't imagine to any extent of the emotions I alone have caused her during this last year and years prior with allot that I have been through in life.

I have always had the feeling that I was dealt a bad hand with many chances in life, and I always look at the negative so deep down into it, and forget to actually open my eyes to the many more wonderful things that surround me. Her, the kids, life, living, having a job instead of bitching every day about it. It's not always about me, as I hope to heal, I hope that I can be just as there for Emilee as she has done for me. She needs support from me as well, I shouldn't be constantly leaning on her emotionally, that is something I need to work on. I need to be better to myself so I can be better for myself in order to be better for her, my children, my work, my life. My damn life that I have been so damn blind to, it's right there in front of me and I have been hiding away in it like a coward. I felt that I have learned allot tonight and will carry this going forward.

I will end this off with this...I will be ok. I will heal, and I will have faith.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Black & White

As we soared through the clouds this afternoon in and out of darkness and light due to the weather it reminded me about the two sides of life, light and darkness. Day and Night. Good and bad. Life and death.

It makes you think of what's really important in reality. Life is real and I saw my reality as I heartfelt said good by to my boys, Emilee and called Kaitlynn before my trip to Arizona. Today hurts, maybe tomorrow as well, but in life through thick and thin, I need to be right with me and to be as healthy as I can for my family. On my flight I saw a black cloud intertwined by a white cloud and it was the oddest thing I have ever seen. While looking at it you couldn't tell which appeared more, but it was obviously present and a sign of seeing two things intertwined like a fight with 2 alley cats.

It brought me to think about Em and I separating for a while to get the darkness out of our cloud of life. I can't say what will be in my future, but I hope it's a healthy one with my family. This time maybe something to get out of our way now to enjoy the future. But of all things, I must get any darkness out of me.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Another Leave and new meds

So had my doc visit on Friday(insurance issue got resolved the night before) and have decided to switch from depakote to Oxcarbazepine for the next month for my Epilepsy. I will be on both meds will switching over for 30 days. I am also on leave now till the end of September unless these new meds don't work. So it's gonna be interesting to see. How I react to these new meds. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers while I fight through this. Always hold hope!!

This year I have been challenged over and over again, times where I couldn't even get out of bed due to depression over this nasty disorder or being so doped up that I couldn't remember thoughts, moments or even days. 

This has been the biggest challenge of my life and it's affected all areas mostly work and home. Dispite my efforts, Work has been my main challenge as I am the one that works while Em takes care of our children and this last year me. It's felt like I have become another child to her schedule. Because at times I can't do things on my own. Serveral times I have had trouble getting up the stairs due to how dizzy or fatigued my body was. It's worry some when you have a family to take care of, but they end up taking care of you. I have always been independent and have tried not to reliey on others to do my job as a Fiancee, Father of 3 and a careered person. I have always worked, always some how provided and right now I can't even do that efficiently. I feel blocked from it. Almost worthless and I am afraid of letting this disorder consume me more so than I have let it. 

We should be poolside with our dear friends and god kids but because of my status I am home not sure what to do until disability kicks in wondering how I am gonna put food on the table for my family right now.

I am constantly stressed and that makes those around me stressed and it's an uneasy feeling. One that I thought I can control but I can't. 

The doctors had said this wasn't going to be easy trying to find a medication to help with my Epilepsy and now I am on my 3rd one and am hoping this is the last, but I said that about the last one. Part of me feels dead in side, limited to lifes opportunities to be who I am. 

It saddens me to know that i have to be "Babysat" and can't do normal things I have done on my own for  33 years. That I have to relie on others to help me constantly. Hell, I don't even know when I will be cleared to get my drivers license to drive again and when that comes, it will be at least a year or 2 from now. 

I know that I am stronger than this, that I was never taught to be this weak and I only hope that this is the deepest I will be and I will begin to dig myself out and pursue and achieve remarkable things. 

Allot of people have faith in me that I will make it and that I have fought to young and to give it another try. I know I am not alone in this with a lot of friends and family supporting me, however when I close my eyes at night, I just don't know what tomorrow will bring and I can only hope that I wake up stronger with wiser choices and more open doors moving forward.