Friday, November 30, 2012

Mending

So the last several months has been allot to take in and deal with. I can honestly say that I am grateful for what I have in my life and am working on staying positive. I have learned so much about myself and to not take things for granted like I have been. It's not easy,but it's one day at a time right now. 

I am working on self recovery right now and that's a strong one for me in many areas. I have let so much of my past build up inside of me and now I am taking moments to handle them appropriately and reconnect with myself. I am not gonna sit here and go oh whoa is me, I am gonna face things head on. 

In the last month I have had 3 seizures and I know allot of it was due to stress. I am working on managing that better and am hoping to exercise more now. Some of the things I have started doing is reading, journaling and working on my relationship with God. I am on LOA until 03/24/13 so I can get the further help I need for therapy and deal with my depression. I am not ashamed for feeling this way anymore. I used to use all my might to deny it and that was very healthy for me. 

I have been an alcoholic for some time now, too many years and I am dealing with it now by choosing to stay sober for me, no one else but me. With out my sobriety I can't be right with myself or my wonderful children. It's a terrible disease only if you choose to not get help for it. I have allot to take care of in life and many of them is to start making amends in my life with people that I have hurt in many ways. October 13th I relapsed and tried to take my own life which resulted in me being put into ICU and not remembering what I did to myself. During a black out I had slit my own throat and was rushed to the ER. Waking up to 28 stitches, 54 staples and allot of blood lost, I realized than I had a 2nd chance in life to live it right and to live it sober. I am not asking for self pity or to be forgiven, as I am simply sharing my experience and growth.



“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” 
― Ernest Hemingway

Saturday, November 24, 2012

How I am doing

Where do I start, this last 6 weeks of my life has been the most educational experience in my life. I hit a rock bottom and survived a horrible event and one that I am thankful for still being here.

I really don't know what to write at the moment other than that I am grateful for being in love with life right now. In the last 30 days I have had 2 seizures and am ok. More than ok, I am great. I no longer feel ashamed for having epilepsy and know more about it and what my body does to create it.

I truly appreciate the support I have received from so many people and am overwhelmed with joy in my heart. I am at a really good spot in my life currently and for once am grateful for it.

So I just read the letter I wrote on Oct 13 and feel like such an asshole for it. The hurt and destruction I caused is only my fault and I will deal with the repercussions of it. I am glad that I was ready to read it to know what I wrote finally. I am sorry to those I have hurt, those that I pissed off, to those I humiliated. And I am mostly sorry to my kids and Emmy. I can only pray that I will be forgiven and can move up hill from here and continue to get well. I am happy that I am alive and will spend the rest of my life proving it!!!

I just wanted to do a quick update. Hope everyone is doing well.