Monday, December 31, 2012

In 2013....

In 2013, I resolve to not let my Epilepsy stop me from life, my dreams and my attitude.

Happy New Year my E friends!!!!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Abandon everything you know and....

This literally made me cry as it hit so close to my current situation in life, it made me realize how much I just need to let go of the wreckage of my life and commit to a fresh start. I have done things I am not proud of through the last several years and I just have to accept my faults and move on.

Abandon everything you know and....
By Tania Kazi

Come back to yourself with a child’s mind.
An empty slate, a tabula rasa, your vast blank canvas.
Here…take these bottom-less pails of paint, dip your hands, elbow deep in the yellows and the saffrons, the rusts and the reds. Peel your shirt off, and with that, all your fancy ideas of who you are. Bathe in the blues and the indigos, the violets and the lavenders, the emerald greens of the unfathomable expanse, and roll on your canvas…spilling colors in shapes of you, created, destroyed and re-visited.
Roll till all of you is blended into the canvas of your life. Give. That. Fully.
Now, take your masterpiece and wash it in the ocean…let your colors bleed into the greatness of infinity, become a part of That. And then return. To paint again. Afresh. Anew. Child-like.

Walk a desert terrain, at least once. Bare foot. Feel the heat, let it singe into your feet, scald and blister you, let it travel up to your head. Let the sweat from the tip of your mountain-self trickle down your parched face like briny sea-water, your extended travels metamorphosized into exquisite pearls.
Kiss the fire of the sun inside your chest. Burn your lips at that touch. Love a little more deeply, a little more freely, a little more carelessly. Taste the dust off your lips, kiss that, of another. Give unabashedly and then…fly!
Don’t hold. Throw the shackles away, love has no need for them, nor does the beloved.

Sit inside the red temple of your heart. Turn down the din, shut the world out. Ring all your church bells and sing your chants, burn the incense and smoke the sage…Inhale. Deep. As though this breath is the last one. Don’t sip the tea of wisdom…crest and fall, roll and swim in it.
Let your devotion spin you, move you in the ways that Creation meant you to move. Dance in your love. Worship passionately, fearlessly, throwing obedience to the wind. Come as you are! Eternity has no time for your mental meanderings. Throw away the keys of your thinking-mind, abandon them, and your reasoning, your do’s and don’ts and silly dogmas. There’s no place for that, in Love.
And once you’ve swayed and hexed your senses with devotion, then sit in the silence of a cemetery, by a grave, a vacant space- yours or a loved one’s resting place. And absorb the earth below, the plants, the soil…let it sink densely inside of you. It’s aroma latent with hidden secrets. Take that fragrance and absorb it, so that you or the one lying below are not divided by worlds anymore.
Let it’s haunting silence permeate your every cell. Receive it. Fully. Open.
At the deepest level. Let it carry you to a world where there are no questions to be asked, nor answers to be sought. With your breath, follow that holy ache inside your heart, roar your way to the derelict dusty steps that lead you to forbidden paths.
Lose yourself. Knock on every door. Abandon your road maps. Do away with your baggage, there is only room for one and that’s your tattered soul. Fumble through the darkness, bump into every wall, bruise yourself blue until you feel your way to the very center of all your beginnings.
And when you reach that center, strip the cloak of fear, and the one below that, if there’s more, then come naked. Now enter the altar of pain. Hold your hands out and rock it gently. Welcome to the union with the forgotten mother. Pain is that kind of a teacher. With Love hold it close, until it begins it’s evanescence from your heart. And then let the silence grow thick and opaque around you, forming a vortex within vortex, let it fall around you like a dark velvet curtain, dense and impenetrable.

Now begin carving your oblivion into it.
Cook a meal. Naked. Barefoot. For no other reason but that you’re alive, that you came to experience this life with the body consort. So nourish this friend- the body, feed it, hold it and nurture it. Eat with bare hands, let the juices of never-before-tasted foods paint your face, smile to the heavens for the blessing of Being Able To Do That.
Caress the body’s weariness with your patience, uphold and honor it’s right to solitude, away from examining eyes. Examine yourself for letting someone examine you. Connect the dots and walk with the mysteries. Don’t always be seeking answers, float with the questions…kite-like..abandoning everything you know.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My Self Pity and Apology

It was pointed out to me yesterday by someone how selfish and ungrateful I have been by "begging" for money in my current situation and it really hit me hard last night. I talked with my sponsor last night and have decided to take the site down. He told me that it's ok to ask for help, but not in that manner. This actually has caused me to not concentrate on my sobriety and being content for the opportunities I do have. I got myself into this situation and I need to deal with the consequences of my actions.
I sincerely apologize to anyone that I have offended, annoyed or pissed off by my actions recently. I understand the ignorance I have had and will reframe from continuing the self pityness I have had. My sincere apologies to you all!!! Thank you for your support!

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Lessons Learned...I have a purpose

I realized today that there is something worse than death..a wasted soulless life. One that you do not live to your full potential and seek happiness for each day that you are given. I choose serenity and happiness for everything, even the hard times that allow me to grow and learn.

I am grateful for today and for the things to come. My piece of mind and acceptance of finding my happiness. In doing so, I will unlock so many thing I have held onto for so long to set myself free.