My 2012 year can't be summed up in a years time as I have spent the last several years fighting myself and stuck in my head on hurt in my life, my depression and my ignorance to my surroundings.
I have gotten through a lot of my heartache in my life so far in just the last couple of months. I have set things of the past into angels to fly and be set free. I still battle with myself on things I am not proud of, things I am ashamed of and things I wish I would have done better. I can sit here and say that I have lost so much this last year, but it took me losing to gain myself.
Today I am alive and can feel each breathe and emotion that I have. I no longer deny my problems and I choose to acknowledge them and handle them in a better surrounding than I have in the past.
Negative circumstances in life can cause deep depression. Shattered relationships, money problems, accidents...you name it..can drive us into an emotional pit. The negative situations I put myself into allowed me to be present in my life today and be healthier. As I seek a sober life, and a fulfilling desire to live each day for all that it has to offer, I know that I will be ok.
Watch your thoughts, as they turn into action, and your actions turn into choices, and that will lead to defining your character. I can only surrender each day and hit my knees to prayer for strength to be more than I have ever been.
I have created allot of damage in my life and as I begin clearing that wreckage I can only take it as it comes and do the best I can.
Through the last year I have let myself fall deeper into my fears and past which lead me into a downward spiral of my life. In that it became unmanageable and I used excuses for everything rather than truth. I let my Epilepsy consume me and became very selfish to others around me. I became a victim of my own self pity and looked to others to replenish my needs rather than allowing myself to deal with the pain.
Those actions or forever set in stone and cannot be erased, I can only move on and face what I have feared for so long and become accountable for my actions going forward. I cannot change the past, but I can change the choices and actions I make today as I move forward into a stronger healthier life.
Everyday I am faced with conflict and have found my GOD again that I have abandoned so so many years ago. I have found that in my faith of GOD as I see him allows me to no longer fear what I have feared before. As I face challenges I now can address them with maturity, strength and faith.
Although there has been allot of hurt in 2012, there has been allot of good.
Watching my kids grow up, and see them learning and adjusting to life each day they wake up too.
Working with the Epilepsy Foundation and stating Team Barton to raise money for Epilepsy research.
Good memories with friend and family. The best thing of all 2012 is that I ended the year alive and not where I was at 79 days ago. These last 79 days have been the most challenging and humbling experience of my life, and the hardest. But as I get through each and I lay my head down at night, I know for the day I was ok, and for each day that had yet to come....I will still be ok and be able to manage my life with new surroundings, new experiences and new challenges, and through it all...again I will be ok.
Thank you 2012 for teaching me so much and allowing me to move on into a better life. A healthy brain brings a better life, one day at a time.
Thank you to those that choose to support, pray, and stick with me through my challenges. I realize now that I am loved, I am cared for, and I am living alive inside myself.
As i write this tonight, I noticed with the moon that with the New Year it stays the same. Some changes will remain the same and there will be new changes forced upon us, please think about your choices.
For this new year I have resolutions achieve.
1) Quit Smoking
2) Be a better father
3) To live in the moment
4) To be patient, loving and grateful for what I do have and stop thinking of what I don't have.
5) Move into my own place so I can provide a home for my 3 kids
6) To stop being negative and find the positive in things
7) To return to work and work hard.
8) obtain a car
9) Make better choices, be thankful for life.
10) To walk with my GOD, and not get into my heard.
11) Control my existence and be strong in my recovery.
No more looking back.......Thank you for all your support.
May your new year be a spectacular one! Bring it on 2013, I am ready. Best wishes!!